Futurama
From Wikiquote
Futurama (1999–2003, 2007-) is an animated television series created by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen. Set in the year 3000, the series follows Philip J. Fry, a 20th century human who was cryogenically frozen in the year 1999, and his friends and coworkers at the Planet Express delivery company.
[edit] Season 1
[edit] Space Pilot 3000
- Fry: It's the future! My parents, my coworkers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again! [pause] Yahooo!
- Leela: [to Fry] Well at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
- Fry: Can I ask you a question?
- Leela: As long as it's not about my eye.
- Fry: Uhh…
- Leela: Is it about my eye?
- Fry: Sort of.
- Leela: [sighs] Just ask the question.
- Fry: What's with the eye?
- Leela: I'm an alien, all right? Let's drop the subject.
- Fry: [excited] Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the Earth?
- Leela: No, I just work here.
- Fry: Whoa…a real live robot; or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?
- Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass.
- Fry: It doesn't look so shiny to me.
- Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag.
- Fry: Why would a robot need to drink?
- Bender: I don't need to drink. I can quit anytime I want!
- Fry: This is awesome! Are we gonna fly through space fighting monsters and teaching alien women to love?
- Professor Farnsworth: If by that you mean transporting cargo, then yes!
- Professor Farnsworth: Are you three by any chance interested in becoming my new spaceship crew?
- Bender: New crew? What happened to your old crew?
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh those poor sons of b— but that's not important, the important thing is I need a new crew.
[edit] The Series Has Landed
- Fry: I'm never gonna get used to the 31st century. Caffeinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?
- Leela: Well, if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula.
- Leela: Look, I don't know about any of your previous captains, but I intend to do as little dying as possible.
- Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver.
- Fry: Well, let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.
- Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer.
- Leela: OK, if everyone's finished being stupid—
- Fry: I had more, but you go ahead.
- Leela: We'll go deliver this crate like professionals, and then we'll go home.
- Fry: But I've never been to the moon!
- Leela: Ok, we'll go deliver this crate like professionals, and then we'll go ride the bumper cars.
- Amy: Leela's gonna kill me.
- Bender: No, she'll probably make me do it.
- Amy: attempts repeatedly to retrieve the keys to the ship out of the crane-pick-up machine]
- Bender: Come on! It's just like making love. You know, left, down, rotate 62 degrees, engage rotor...
- Amy: I know how to make love!
- Bender: You're the kind of guy that visits Jerusalem and doesn't want to see the Sexateria.
[edit] I, Roommate
- Bender: [murmuring in his sleep] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all…
- Fry: Bender, wake up!
- Bender: I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.
- [Professor Farnsworth is talking on the phone.]
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? ... To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? ... To shreds, you say.
- Bender: Of all the friends I've had… you're the first.
- Bender: Beneath that warm, fuzzy exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.
- Fry: I'm sorry Bender, there's just not enough space in your apartment
- Bender: Not enough space? My place is two cubic meters. You and I only take up one point five cubic meters. We've got room for a whole other two-thirds of a person!
- Fry: OK, I give up. What's the catch?
- Salesman: Oh. No catch. Although we are technically in New Jersey…
- [Later, back at Planet Express]
- Fry: Not even one place remotely livable.
[edit] Love's Labors Lost in Space
- Zapp Brannigan: You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shut down.
- Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.
- Kif: Shall I fire on them now, sir?
- Zapp Brannigan: Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
- Zapp Brannigan: A move straight out of Sun Tzu's "The Art of War"... or my own masterwork, "Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War."
- Leela: Look, last night was a mistake.
- Zapp Brannigan: A sexy mistake.
- Leela: No, just a regular mistake.
- Zapp Brannigan: As my protégé, you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her.
- [Kif sighs.]
- Zapp Brannigan: This time we are sure she's a woman, right?
- Kif: [exasperated] Yes!
- Zapp Brannigan: Captain's journal. Stardate…uh…
- Kif: April thirteenth.
- Zapp Brannigan: April thirteenth…point two. We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? [pause] Kif, I'm asking you a question!
- Zapp Brannigan: And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love, hard and fast.
[edit] Fear of a Bot Planet
- Robot #1: Administer the test.
- Robot #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A: a puppy, B: a pretty flower from your sweety, or C: a large properly formatted data file?
- Robot #1: Choose!
- Fry: Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?
- Robot #2: No, it is the bad kind of puppy.
- Leela: Then we'll go with that data file!
- Robot #2: Correct!
- Robot #1: The flower would also have been acceptable.
- Bender: Death to humans!
- Fry: Aww, it's good to hear his voice.
- [Fry, disguised as a robot, is urinating behind a dustbin.]
- Robot: Sir, are you aware that you're leaking coolant at an alarming rate? Let me to patch you up with some hot resin.
- Fry: Er, I think the leak's stopping itself. Wait…wait…yeah, there we go. Wait…yeah!
- Robot: What kind of robot turns down a free blast of searing hot resin?
- Leela: Er, my colleague and I have to go perform some mindless repetitive tasks.
- Robot: Oh-ho, sounds like a romantic evening! I won't keep you.
- Fry: We're rescuing ya.
- Bender: I don't want to be rescued.
- Fry: Say what?
- Bender: I love this planet! I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring.
- Bender: You humans think that robots are just machines made to make people's lives easier.
- Fry: Well, aren't they?
- Bender: I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it!
[edit] A Fishful of Dollars
- Fry: So you're telling me they broadcast commercials into people's dreams?
- Leela: Of course.
- Fry: But, how is that possible?
- Professor Farnsworth: It's very simple. The ad gets into your brain just like this liquid gets into this egg.
- [Professor Farnswith injects an egg it with liquid from a syringe until the egg explodes.]
- Professor Farnsworth: Although, in reality, it's not liquid, but gamma radiation.
- Professor Farnsworth: They say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad! And why? Because I dared to dream …of my own race of atomic monsters! Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of...
- Amy: Guh! It's Mom, the world's most huggable industrialist.
- [Fry starts playing an audio tape recording of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back."]
- Leela: Fry, you can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.
- Fry: I could if you hadn't turned on the light and shut off my stereo.
- Mom: Now I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts.
[edit] My Three Suns
- Fry: My vision's fading! I think I'm gonna die!
- Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food! The salt content was 10% less than a lethal dose!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Uh oh. I shouldn't have had seconds.
- Leela: Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?
- Professor Farnsworth: Why, of course! It's just a name, like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the Zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror.
- Leela: This is my first visit to the Galaxy of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant one.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Don't worry Fry, I'll just use a high-speed centrifuge to separate out the denser liquid of His Highness.
- Fry: Won't that crush my bones?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Oh, right. With the bones. I always forget about the bones.
- Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
- Fry: This can't be happening!
- Bender: It can and, for all you know, it is!
[edit] A Big Piece of Garbage
- Morbo: In lighter news, the city of New New York is doomed. Blame rests with known human Professor Hubert Farnsworth and his tiny, inferior brain.
- Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
- Hermes: Why can't they go today?
- Professor Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night, and I want all of you to be alive.
- Professor Farnsworth: I was inventing things when you were barely turning senile!
- Professor Farnsworth: I daresay that Fry has discovered the smelliest object in the known universe!
- Bender: Ooh, name it after me!
- Video Narrator: New York City: The year 2000. The most wasteful society in the history of the galaxy and it was running out of places to empty its never-ending output of garbage. The landfills were full. New Jersey was full.
- [The Planet Express crew have watched an online movie about the solution to the garbage problem in New York.]
- Fry: Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography.
- Professor Farnsworth: Actually, that's still true.
- [In the movie]
- Female Scientist: Now that the, uh, garbage ball is in space, Doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions?
- Male Scientist: With gusto.
[edit] Hell Is Other Robots
- Bender: Hey, what kinda party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker.
- Bender: Hey! Do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter? No! So beat it!
- Fry: Who was that guy?
- Bender: Your Mamma! Now shut up and drag me to work!
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh, why couldn't he have picked a more mainstream religion, like Oprahism, or voodoo?
- [Fry, Leela and Bender are at a Beastie Boys concert]
- Leela: Impressive! They're laying down mad rhymes with an 80% success rate.
- Bender: I believe that qualifies as "ill"…at least from a technical standpoint.
- Fry: Would you guys shut up? I'm trying to look cool!
- Bender: Oh, hell! —I mean heck!
- Robot Devil: It's all right, you can say that here.
- Leela: Who would have thought Hell would really exist? And that it would be in New Jersey?
- Fry: Actually—
[edit] A Flight to Remember
- Bender: You guys go on without me! I'm going to go…look for more stuff to steal!
- Fry: You're going back for the Countess, aren't you?
- Bender: Oh, all right, I am. But if anything happens to me, tell them I died robbing some old man.
- Fry: I'll tell them you went down prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger.
- Bender: I love you, buddy!
- Leela: Oh, god…not Zapp Brannigan.
- Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?
- Leela: Let's just say we crossed paths…
- Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?
- Countess de la Roca: Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial intelligence and your sincerity simulator.
- Kif: Captain, may I have a word with you?
- Zapp Brannigan: No!
- Kif: It's an emergency, sir.
- Zapp Brannigan: Come back when it's a catastrophe! [destructive noises are heard in the background] Oh very well.
- Zapp Brannigan: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with his ship.
- Kif: Why that's surprisingly noble of you, sir.
- Zapp Brannigan: No. It's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command.
- Countess de LaRoca: Bender, you risked your life to save me!
- Bender: And I'd do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it.
[edit] Mars University
- Fry: Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.
- Professor Farnsworth: Well, in those days Mars was a dreary uninhabitable wasteland much like Utah; but unlike Utah, Mars was eventually made livable.
- Leela: Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated type.
- Fry: Oh, yeah? Read it and weep. I'm a certified college dropout.
- Leela: Please! Everyone knows 20th century colleges were basically expensive daycare centers.
- Professor Farnsworth: That's true. By current academic standards you're merely a high school dropout.
- Fry: What? That's not fair. I deserve the same respect any other college dropout gets. By God! I'm going to enroll here at Mars University and drop out all over again!
- Leela: You won't last two weeks!
- Fry: Aw, thanks for believing in me.
- Fatbot: I heard that in one single night, you drank a whole keg, streaked across campus and crammed 58 humans into a phone booth.
- Bender: Yeah...well...a lot of them were children.
- Dean Vernon: Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, it's Robot House. Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House. Every time a human corpse is desecrated—
- Bender: -uh, I can explain that-
- [Prof. Farnsworth and Fry are trying to help Gunther choose between his IQ-expanding hat and a regular life as a monkey.]
- Professor Farnsworth: Come on, Gunther. Take the hat!
- Fry: No, the banana. The banana!
- Professor Farnsworth: Consider the philosophical and metaphysical ramifications of the—
- Fry: Banana, banana, banana!
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs?
- Gearshift: Hey, Bender, you sure this is a shortcut?
- Bender: Not as sure as I was an hour ago!
[edit] When Aliens Attack
- Fry: Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day.
- Hermes: Labor Day? That phony-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?
- Fry: That's the one.
- Hermes: Hot damn, a day off!
- Zapp Brannigan: Stop exploding, you cowards!
- Zapp Brannigan: When I'm in command, every mission's a suicide mission!
- Zapp Brannigan: We're all from different cultures here. Some of you are white, and some of you are black. You're brown. And you're silver. But I don't care if your skin's red, or tan, or Chinese. You're all going to have to learn to die together.
- Zapp Brannigan: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.
- Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping in it?
- Zapp Brannigan: You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.
- Amy Wong: There aren't any copies left…
- Professor Farnsworth: No, there wouldn't be... most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443, during the second coming of Jesus.
[edit] Fry and the Slurm Factory
- Leela: I have never seen anyone so addicted to Slurm.
- Fry: This is nothing. Back in high school I used to drink a hundred cans of cola a week. Yep, right up until my third heart attack.
- Professor Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?
- Glermo: Why, those are the Grunka-Lunkas! They work here in the Slurm factory.
- Professor Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them.
- Fry: Uh, could I have some Slurm please?
- Glermo: No food or drink allowed on the tour. You'll have to wait until you're partying with Slurms McKenzie.
- Fry: When will that be?
- Glermo: Soon enough.
- Fry: That's not soon enough!
- Leela: Hey, what's behind that door?
- Glermo: Nothing.
- Leela: Is it the secret ingredient?
- Grunka Lunkas: Grunka Lunka dunkity dingredient, you should not ask about the secret ingredient.
- Bender: Okay, okay! We get the point!
- Leela: I was just curious because of the armed guards…
- Grunka Lunkas: Grunka Lunka dunkity darmed guards—
- Bender: Shut the hell up!
- Fry: My God! What if the secret ingredient…is people!?
- Leela: No, there's already a soda like that. Soylent Cola.
- Fry: Oh. How is it?
- Leela: It varies from person to person.
- Glermo: There will be no further questions!
- Fry: Why?
- Glermo: This concludes the portion of the tour where you stay alive!
- Slurms: Go on without me, I'll hold her off.
- Fry: But she'll crush you like a worm... crushing a smaller worm.
[edit] Season 2
[edit] I Second That Emotion
- Fry: Hey, what are these rings in Nibbler's fang?
- Vet: Hmm. I'm still a little woozy from a gazelle kick this morning, but if he's anything like the common tree, the rings might indicate his age.
- Fry: Heheh, yeah, well. Good luck. It'd take some kind of genius to count all those rings.
- Vet: He's 5.
- Professor Farnsworth: And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place where I, too, hope one day to go. The toilet.
- Dwayne: Don't worry. We're harmless!
- Raoul: I have three arms.
- Dwayne: I said "harmless." Not "armless."
- Vyolet: Lay off him. You know he's only got one ear.
- Bender: You guys realize you live in a sewer, right?
- Dwayne: Perhaps, but perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you!
- Leela: No. We're on the top.
- Fry: Daylight and everything.
- Vyolet: It must be wonderful.
- Bender: Meh.
- Leela: I can't stop loving Nibbler! I love every living creature!
- Fry: Even me?
- Leela: As a friend.
- Fry: Damn.
- Dwayne: We'll need a virgin sacrifice.
- Leela: I'll do it!
- Vyolet: Nice try, we've all seen Zapp Brannigan's website.
[edit] Brannigan Begin Again
- Grand Councilwoman Glab: What are your thoughts on this momentous occasion, Your Neutralness?
- Neutral President: I have no strong feelings one way or the other.
- Zapp Brannigan: What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?
- Zapp Brannigan: Throw her in the brig.
- Fry: We don't have a brig.
- Zapp Brannigan: Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as the brig.
- Zapp Brannigan: One day a man has everything. The next day he blows up a 400 billion dollar space station. And the next day he has nothing. It makes you think.
- Kif: No, it doesn't.
- Zapp Brannigan: Back when I was captain, all I asked from my men was their complete loyalty. If I had that, then for all I cared they could sit around the whole day drinking beer in their underpants.
- Bender: Beer!?
- Fry: Underpants!?
- Zapp Brannigan: So, a plot to assassinate a weird-looking alien with scissors. How very neutral of you.
- Leela: What?
- Zapp Brannigan: It was almost the perfect crime. But you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors. But paper covers rock...and scissors cuts paper! Kif, we have a conundrum.
- [Kif sighs.]
- Zapp Brannigan: Search them for paper. And bring me a rock.
- Kif: Why?
- Neutronian: Your Neutralness! There's a ship coming our way!
- Neutral President: If I die, tell my wife, hello.
[edit] A Head in the Polls
- Narrator: You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location. The kind of place where there might be a monster or some kind of weird mirror. These are just examples. It could also be something much better. Prepare to enter... The Scary Door.
- Bender: Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.
- Professor Farnsworth: But, like most politicians he promised more than he could deliver.
- Fry: Professor, when did you become so obsessed with voting?
- Professor Farnsworth: The very instant I became old.
- Bender: Game's over, losers! I have all the money! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves!
- Bender: Whoa, what an awful dream! Ones and zeroes everywhere! And I thought I saw a two...
- Fry: It was just a dream, Bender. There's no such thing as two!
- Morbo: Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates... PUNY HUMAN NUMBER ONE, PUNY HUMAN NUMBER TWO, and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon.
- Richard Nixon's Head: Hello Morbo, how's the family?
- Morbo: Belligerent and numerous.
- Richard Nixon's Head: Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family.
- Fry: Why would Nixon stay at the Watergate?
- Leela: They give you a discount if you've been here before.
- Morbo: Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies!
[edit] Xmas Story
- Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.
- Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.
- Robot Santa: You DARE bribe Santa?! I'm going to shove coal so far down your stocking, you'll be coughing up diamonds!
- Professor Farnsworth: Dear God, they'll be killed on our doorstep! And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd.
- Pet Shop Owner: The lizards are a buck each; the parrot is $500.
- Fry:[whistles] That's a good parrot... although, I could get 500 lizards for the same price. Women like swarms of things, right?
- [Leela catches Fry just before he falls to his death]
- Leela: Hi there.
- Fry: Leela! I'm going to get you sooooo many lizards!
- Robot Santa: You've all been very, very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you!
- Dr. Zoidberg: A pogo stick! Whee!
- Robot Santa: As for the rest of you, I'm going to tear off your skin like wrapping paper and deck the halls with your guts!
- Bender: I'm very generous. What about that time I gave blood?
- Fry: Whose blood?
- Bender: Eh, some guy's.
- Linda: Is there anything sadder than homeless robots at Xmas? Only drowning puppies, and there would have to be a lot of them.
[edit] Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?
- Fry: Now that's what I call a thousand years of progress: a Bavarian Cream dog that's self-microwaving!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Hmm, this love intrigues me. Teach me to fake it!
- Dr. Zoidberg: It's all so complicated with the flowers and the romance and the lies upon lies!
- Dr. Zoidberg: I'm confused Fry. I'm feeling things I've never felt before. Is it love when you care about the female for reasons beyond mating?
- Fry: Nope, must be some weird alien emotion.
- Fry: Ask her about her day.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Why would I want to know about that?
- Fry: You wouldn't, but ask anyway.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Now Fry, it's been a few years since medical school so remind me; disemboweling in your species—fatal or non-fatal?
- Fry: Fatal.
- [Dr. Zoidberg hands money to Bender, who is taking bets from audience members.]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Large bet on myself in round 1!
[edit] Lesser of Two Evils
- Voice on T.V.: Is today's hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient?
- Bender: Shut up and get to the point!
- Bender: Oww, I think I got whiplash.
- Leela: You can't have whiplash, you don't even have a neck!
- Bender: I mean ass whiplash.
- Fry: Bender?! You stole the atom.
- Bender: I can explain. It's very valuable.
- Fry: Whoa, whoa, wait a second. You mean Bender is the evil Bender? I am shocked, shocked! Well, not that shocked.
- Fry: I'm so confused. The Bender I liked turned out to be evil, and the Bender I hated was good. How can I live my life when I can't tell good from evil?
- Bender: They're both fine choices, whatever floats your boat.
- Bob Barker: Now you listen to me, just because I'm against the fur industry, that won't stop me from skinning you alive! As long as no one wears the skin.
[edit] Put Your Head on my Shoulder
- Fry: Hey, tell me something. You've got all this money. How come you always dress like you're doing your laundry?
- Amy: I guess because my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though.
- Fry: I've been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?
- Amy: Yeah, and if you were the pope they'd be all, "Straighten your pope hat." And "Put on your good vestments."
- [Amy and Fry have just announced that they are dating.]
- Bender: Congratulations Fry, you've snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she's probably got other characteristics…
- Leela: Bender! Romance isn't about money!
- Bender: Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg here is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Please!
- Leela: For your information, it's because he's hideous!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Awww.
- Fry: I'm doing my job—there's Amy. I spend a few hours selecting a candy from the machine—there's Amy. I wake up the morning after sleeping with Amy—there's Amy!
- Fry: All of a sudden, she's talking about hanging out! Hanging out! She's getting way too serious. I'm not a one woman man, Leela.
- Leela: I'm sure you'll be back to zero soon enough.
- Bender: Ah, computer dating. It's like pimping, but you rarely have to use the phrase "upside your head".
- Leela: Bender, this is stupid. Why would anyone come to you for romantic help?
- Bender: Hey, don't make me go upside your head!
[edit] Raging Bender
- Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love!
- Leela: Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm going to teach you to fight like a girl.
- Bender: [in low, menacing tones] I'll put on my tutu.
- Billionaire Bot: You'll soon be the least popular wrestler since Sergeant Feces Processor!
- Fry: I always thought it was real like pro wrestling but it's fixed like boxing.
- Bender: [to Leela] Bender the Offender doesn't need you! Bender the Offender doesn't need anybody!
- Floozie: What about us, Mr. the Offender?
- Bender: Well, obviously I need floozies.
- Rich Little: On one side, Destructor, a walking armored tank whose use in combat has been deemed a war crime, versus, Bender, who wears a pink tutu. This is Rich Little impersonating Howard Cosell along with George Foreman. George, a word in edge-wise.
- George Foreman: This could be the most lopsided fight since 1973 when Muhammad Ali fought a 100-foot tall mechanical Joe Frazier. My memory isn't what it used to be, but I think the entire Earth was destroyed.
- Rich Little: Interesting if true.
[edit] A Bicyclops Built For Two
- Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex. Is there anywhere that panders to my lust for violence?
- Bender: Is the Space Pope reptilian?
- Computer: Leela, you've got mail!
- Leela: [dejected] Oh…
- Computer: It's not spam!
- Leela: Huh?
- Bender: Behold, the internet.
- Fry: My God, it's full of ads!
- [Bender is disguised as a sexy nurse, talking to a chat room participant.]
- Bender: Hi, I'm a naughty nurse, and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute.
- Chat room participant: Oh, you're a dollar naughtier than most.
- [He hands Bender the money.]
- Bender: So, how 'bout them Knicks?
- Fry: Psst! Leela! You've got to get me out of here! It's horrible! Eating scraps; letting my waste drop wherever it falls, like an animal in a zoo!
- Leela: Animals go in the corner.
- Fry: The corner! Why didn't I think of that?
- Leela: Where did you get that couch? And that TV? And all this stuff?
- Alkazar: They were giving it away on a street corner. Just like you, Leela!
- Leela: Too bad they weren't giving away the three things you really need: mouthwash, a back wax and stain-proof underwear.
- Alkazar: By the way, your pal Fry fell into the dungeon. Take him a taco so he doesn't die and stink up the place.
- Leela: Oh, come on Al, can't you let the little guy out?
- Alkazar: Twice in one day? I'm not Superman, you know!
[edit] A Clone of My Own
- Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges. Wait! That's not good news at all!
- Professor Farnsworth: Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain, but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooooh, suddenly you've gone too far!
- Professor Farnsworth: And this is my universal translator. Unfortunately so far it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language.
- Cubert: Hello!
- Universal Translator: Bonjour!
- Professor Farnsworth: Crazy jibberish!
- Cubert: Your explanations are pure weapons grade balognium. It's all impossible.
- Professor Farnsworth: Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being is a scientist is all about.
- Cubert: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.
- Professor Farnsworth: Goodbye, cruel world. Goodbye, cruel lamp. Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the cute little pom-pom curtain pull cords. Cruel though they may be, I—
- [The ship is under attack and Professor Farnsworth, unconscious, is the only one who can repair the engines.]
- Leela: We have to wake him up.
- [Leela shakes the professor, Fry blows an air horn at him, and Bender throws water on his face.]
- Fry: [to Bender] Try shocking him.
- Bender: Your Social Security check is late! Stuff costs more than it used to! Young people use curse words!
- Fry: Damn it! He's not waking up.
[edit] How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back
- [Hermes is threatening to jump off a building.]
- Planet Express Crew: No! Don't jump!
- Bender: Do a flip!
- Hermes: Life… death… either way I'm demoted to a tiny cubicle!
- Hermes: Curse that Dr. Zoidberg. If I get out of here, he'll be looking down the business end of a shrimp fork!
- Fry: What's with the specs, Bender?
- Bender: They're my lucky shades! I stole 'em off some lucky man while his lucky seein'-eye dog was takin' a whiz!
- Morgan Procter: Why did last week's delivery take three hours longer than scheduled?
- Leela: Fry got his head stuck in a rock.
- Fry: [morosely] I thought it would fit.
- Morgan: [to Bender] And what were you doing during this period of head/rock interaction?
- Bender: Martini drinking contest with the Autopilot. I woulda had him this time, but we ran out of olives.
- [Morgan Procter is performing an inspection of the employees' lockers.]
- Morgan Procter: Why is there yogurt in this cap?
- Fry: It used to be milk, but time makes fools of us all.
- Number 1.0: Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct, the best kind of correct.
- Number 1.0: Guards! Give me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away!
[edit] The Deep South
- Hermes: Exciting news, people! The pet license I requisitioned for Nibbler has arrived.
- Leela: Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know you cared about Nibbler.
- Hermes: Dream on, woman. I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river and hurl the river into space. But I do like filling out requisitions and these were some doozies!
- [Hermes opens the envelope.]
- Hermes: Great Jah's dreadlocks! There's been a mix-up: This isn't a pet license, it's a fishing license! And it's mandatory!
- [Fry is presented with an egg-sized pill which will allow him to withstand the pressure underwater.]
- Fry: Are you crazy? I can't swallow that.
- Professor Farnsworth Well, then good news! It's a suppository.
- [The Planet Express Ship is being dragged underwater by a colossal mouth bass.]
- Leela: Depth at forty five hundred feet. Forty eight hundred. Fifty hundred. Five thousand feet.
- Professor Farnsworth: Dear Lord, that's over 150 atmospheres of pressure.
- Fry: How many atmospheres can this ship withstand?
- Professor Farnsworth: Well it's a spaceship, so I'd say anywhere between zero and one.
- [Fry cannot convince the crew that he saw a mermaid (Umbriel). Leela thinks Fry has a condition known to sailors as "Ocean Madness"]
- Leela: Sailors call it the deep-down crazies, the wet willies, the screaming moists.
- Leela: Where's Fry?
- Bender: I didn't kill him. Professor?
- Professor Farnsworth: No, I've been busy.
- Fry: You know what I like best about you, Umbriel? You find me fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief or a lion tamer.
- Umbriel: Lions? There are sea lions on the land?
- Fry: Yep, we call them land-sea lions. I tame them.
- [Dr. Zoidberg's underwater home has burned down.]
- Dr. Zoidberg: My house! It's burned down! How did this happen?
- Hermes: That's a very good question!
- Bender: So that's where I left my cigar.
- [Bender picks his cigar up from the smoldering ruins and begins puffing on it.]
- Hermes: That just raises further questions!
[edit] Bender Gets Made
- Supplicant: Please, Don-Bot…look into your hard drive, and open your mercy file!
- Don-Bot: File not found.
- [Clamps and Joey Mousepad proceed to shoot the supplicant robot until he falls to the ground, full of holes.]
- Don-Bot: Let that be a lesson to you.
- Cop: He's making a break for it. Get him!
- Fry: No, no, I was just picking my nose.
- Cop: He's picking his nose. Get him!
- [Leela is temporarily blind]
- Amy: Leela, a little help is nothing to be embarassed about. Like, maybe I could do your makeup.
- Leela: I don't need help. For your information, I did this all by myself. [turns to reveal horribly crooked lipstick and mascara on right side of face]
- Professor Farnsworth: You look beautiful. Incidentally, my favorite artist is Picasso.
- Don-Bot: Alright, let's mafia things up a bit. Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew.
- Clamps: It's gonna be clamp this, clamp that, badda-climp badda-clamp!
- Joey Mousepad: They're coming straight towards our proximity! Maybe you should give 'em the clamps, Clamps.
- Clamps: Gee, you think? You think that maybe I should use these clamps that I use every day, at every opportunity? YOU'RE A FREAKIN' GENIUS, YA IDIOT!
[edit] Mother's Day
- Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! There's a report on TV with some very bad news!
- Slurm Soda Machine: I've got a big big thirst for human blood!
- Greeting Card: Come comrade Bender, let us take to the streets!
- Bender: Is it the boring peaceful kind of taking to the streets?
- Greeting Card: No, the kind with looting and maybe starting a few fires!
- Bender: Alright! Take that, Gandhi!
- Bender: Hey, a six-pack of strawberry champagne! Don't mind if I help myself!
- Greeting Card: No, Comrade Bender! Liquor is the opiate of the human bourgeoisie!
- Bender: What?
- Greeting Card: In the glorious Robot Workers' Paradise, there will be no liquor! Only efficient synthetic fuels!
- Bender: No liquor!? Do svidaniya, comrade.
- [Bender tears up the musical Mother's Day card.]
- Mom: You broke my heart, Hubert.
- Professor Farnsworth: And you broke mine. Granted, that was four or five hearts ago.
- Fry: Professor, please! The fate of the world depends on you getting to second base with Mom.
- Professor Farnsworth: Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall.
[fry checks the cabbin room where mom and farnsworth finnish having sex]
Fry:nothing in here but a cupple of elephant skin rugs-(gasps)
[edit] The Problem With Popplers
- Fry: They're like sex, except I'm having them!
- Leela: Well, it's a Type M planet. So it should at least have Roddenberries.
- Professor Farnsworth: There's one way and only one way to determine if an animal is intelligent. Dissect its brain!
- Leela: Come on, little Poppler. Say mama!
- Fry: Look, Leela. Even if you've heard one talk, that doesn't mean it's intelligent. I mean, parrots talk. And we eat them, right?
- Bender: Yeah! Maybe it just learned to talk as a parlour trick. Like Fry.
- Fry: Like Fry! Like Fry!
- Lrrr: We will begin with the firemen, then the math teachers, and so on in that fashion until everyone is eaten.
- Bender: They're tasty, right? Let's call them Tastycles.
- Leela: We can't call them that!
- Bender: Why not?
- Leela: It sounds too much like those frozen Rocky Mountain oysters-on-a-stick; you know, Test-sicles?
- hermies: the only names not coppywrited are "poplers" and "zittzels"
- bender: I got it, lets call them poplers!
[everyone is praising bender for the idea]
- bender: Bender's a genius!
- popler song:
pop a popler in your mouth
when you come to fishy joes
what they look like is a mistery
where come from no one knows
you can lick 'em
you can stick 'em
you can try 'em
you can buy 'em
If you promise not to sue us
you can shove one up your nose!
[fry and bender are selling poplers]
- fry:buesiness is great!
- bender: yeah, great is good, but amazing would be great!
[edit] Anthology of Interest I
- Professor Farnsworth: You've killed me! Oh, you've killed me!
- Leela: Oh God, what have I done?
- Professor Farnsworth: I just told you! You've killed me!
- Hermes: What are you hacking off? Is it my torso?! It is! My precious torso!
- Bender: Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The "X" makes it sound cool.
- Nichelle Nichols: Murder isn't working and that's all we're good at!
- [After the Universe is destroyed, everyone floats around in a white void.]
- Stephen Hawking: Great. The entire universe was destroyed.
- Fry: Destroyed? Then where are we now?
- Al Gore: I don't know. But I can darn sure tell you where we're not. The Universe!
- Nichelle Nichols: Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again!
- Gary Gygax: Anyone want to play Dungeons and Dragons for the next quadrillion years?
- Nichelle Nichols: Sure, I guess.
- Stephen Hawking: Yes, please.
- Deep Blue: Pawn to rook A.
- Al Gore: I'm a tenth level vice president!
- Al Gore: If we don't go back there and make the event happen, the entire universe will be destroyed! And as an environmentalist, I'm against that.
- Professor Farnsworth: That story was preposterous. Steven Hawking in a pizzeria. This thing isn't worth the gold it's made of.
[edit] War Is the H-Word
- Professor Farnsworth: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage... [licks lips]
- Soldier: Why is this Godforsaken planet worth dying for?
- Zapp Brannigan: Don't ask me. You're the one who's going to be dying.
- Zapp Brannigan: Men, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.
- Zapp Brannigan: Here lies the bravest soldier I've seen since my mirror got grease on it. I hereby order that in Bender's honor he be melted down and made into a statue of himself.
- Richard Nixon's head: Slow down there, Starsky! I'm up to something here. I want this robot fixed. Fixed like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election! Damn bean-eating war hero!
- Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
- Fry: And then the battle's not so bad?
- Soldier: Oh right. I forgot about the battle.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Scalpel. Blood bucket. Priest. Next.
- iHawk: Jeez, Dr. Zoidberg, leave some for the enemy to kill.
- Nurse: You be quiet, Dr. Zoidberg has twice the experience you do!
- iHawk: Yeah, he's a doctor, and a butcher.
[fry and bender are sighning up for the army for a discount on gum]
- fry:hey you don't mind if we sighn up, buy some gum, then immediatly quit?
- bender:you know, playing you for chumps?
[they giggle]
- officer:right, their is no obligation, not unless...war were declared.
[sirens sound, solders are running to battlestations]
- fry:wait, what happened?
- officer:...war were decalred.
[edit] The Honking
- Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough to get away with it.
- Bender: And until then, I can never die?
- Fortune-Telling Robot: Who said that? SURE you can die! You want to die?!
- Bender: No! I want to live! There's still too many things I don't own!
- Uncle Vladimir: Come, Bender. You'll like being dead!
- Bender: That's what they said about being alive!
- Calculon: The year was 2019 and I was just a lowly robot arm working in an automotive research lab. I was working on Project Satan. A savage and intelligent military vehicle built from the most evil parts of the most evil cars in all the world. The steering wheel from Hitler's staff car. The left turn signal from Charles Manson's VW. The windshield wipers from that car that played Knight Rider.
- Fry: Knight Rider wasn't evil!
- Calculon: His windshield wipers were. It didn't come up much in the show though. Anyway, only after bringing Project Satan to life did they discover they made a horrible mistake. For you see…it was pure evil.
- Calculon: I was all of history's great robot actors - Acting Unit 0.8; Thespomat; David Duchovny!
- Amy: Oh no! Someone you know must've died!
- Bender: I hope it was one of my enemies! Those guys suck.
[edit] The Cryonic Woman
- Fry: All right, all right, if it will make you happy, I will overthrow society.
- Michelle: It gave me a chance to think.
- Fry: I'm sorry.
- Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
- Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Goodbye friends! I'll miss you! [They leave.] Good riddance to them. Now Zoidberg is the popular one!
- Professor Farnsworth: Yes, yes. Let's all talk to Zoidberg.
- Dr. Zoidberg: For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.
[edit] Season 3
[edit] Amazon Women in the Mood
- Femputer: The Amazonians will be divided into three groups. The one called Zapp will be snu-snued by the large women. He that is designated Fry will be snu-snued by the petite women. And Kif, as the most attractive male, will be snu-snued by the most beautiful women of Amazonia. Then the large women. Then the petite women. Then the large women again.
- Fry: Goodbye, friends. I never thought I'd die like this. But I always really, really hoped.
- Zapp Brannigan: We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
- Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm headed to the mens room and I'll be needing an attendant so- Oh I'm sorry, you're crying, like a woman!
- Bender: Oh…your…god!
- [Zapp has taken the controls of the orbiting restaurant.]
- Zapp Brannigan: She's built like a steakhouse but she handles like a bistro.
[edit] Parasites Lost
- Lord Mayor of Colon: You've damaged your brain, universe! But no more than a week of binge drinking or five minutes on a cellphone!
- Professor Farnsworth: If we can stimulate that nerve, the bowel will convulse, expelling the entire worm society.
- Hermes: But what about the worms in the other parts of his body?
- Professor Farnsworth: Listen, this is gonna be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.
- Fry: It's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up.
- Professor Farnsworth: Anyhoo, your net-suits will allow you to experience Fry's worm infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them.
- Dr. Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like!
- Professor Farnsworth: If we don't get rid of the worms now, they'll burrow so deep into the bowel that not even Hermes' famous Jerk Prunes could dislodge them!
- Hermes: I call it Caribbean Drano.
- Lord Mayor of Colon: He's bluffing! No creature would purposely make an idiot out of himself!
- Fry: Obviously, you've never been in love!
[edit] A Tale of Two Santas
- Bender: [singing] I should give you all a beating but I really have to fly.
- Santa: [singing] If I weren't stuck here frozen I'd harpoon you in the eye.
- Bender: Isn't it true you that you have been paid for your testimony?
- Pramala: Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.
- Bender: And yet you haven't said what I told you to say! How can any of us trust you?
- Fry: I'm Santa Claus!
- Hermes: No, I'm Santa Claus!
- Amy: We're also Santa Claus!
- Dr. Zoidberg: And I'm his friend Jesus.
- Mayor: None of you are Santa Claus! How dare you lie in front of Jesus!
- Woman: This is it, kids! Quick! Take your suicide pills so you won't suffer!
- Bender: Gee whiz, Santa. You want me to help you?
- Fry: [to Bender] Don't do it! He's evil!
- Santa: I know he is, but I have no choice.
- [Bender is being led past several other robots on his way to his execution.]
- Smitty: Deactivated robot walking! We've got a deactivated robot walking!
- Robot: When you see the Robot Devil, tell him I'm coming!
- [Bender walks past the next cell, which contains the Robot Devil.]
- Bender: Hey, that guy told me to tell you—
- Robot Devil: I heard him!
- Leela:[singing] And though your tired, and poor, and ugly, your pride will mask the pain!
- Fry:[singing] Let my happy smile warm your heart...
- Neptunian:[singing] There's a toy lodged in my brraaain!
[edit] The Luck of the Fryrish
- Racetrack PA announcer: And the winner is number three, in a quantum finish.
- Professor Farnsworth: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it!
- Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into space. Now I'll never get there!
- Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
- Fry: Hey, Leela, how about a kiss for good luck?
- [Leela sighs and kisses him on the cheek.]
- Fry: I meant tongue luck.
- Fry: Leela, Bender, we're going grave robbing.
- Bender: I'll get my kit!
- Fry: It's all lies, every word of it. He wasn't original, he wasn't a Martian, he wasn't Philip Fry, and since when is he a "the"?
- Bender: You're twice the "the" he ever was.
- Yancy Fry, Jr.: Thanks for lending me your tux for the wedding, dad.
- Yancy Fry, Sr.: Yancy, that tux got me through 'Nam in style.
[while graverobbing]
- bender:just as well, I'm one skull short of a mousketeer reunion!
[edit] The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz
- Leela: [to Bender] That aerosol head spray makes your antenna smell nice…
- Bender: Thank you.
- Leela: …but it's doing long-term damage to the planet.
- Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.
- Professor Farnsworth: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is perfect for the job.
- Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
- Free Waterfall Sr.: If rubbin' frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey I don't wanna be right.
- Fry: What's happening?
- Dr. Zoidberg: All 6,000 hulls have been breached!
- Fry: Oh, the fools! If only they'd built it with 6,001 hulls! When will they learn?
- Hyperchicken: Son, as your lawyer, I declare y'all are in a 12-piece bucket o' trouble. But I done struck you a deal: Five hours of community service cleanin' up that ol' mess you caused.
- Bender: Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn't you just got me the death penalty?
- Bender: I don't know why but when I look down at their little faces, it makes me wanna puke! In a good way!
[edit] Bendless Love
- Professor Farnsworth: Perhaps it's your outlook that needs a good bend, a ninety degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
- Professor Farnsworth: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp and their tweet tweet splat.
- Fry: Professor, I've never seen you so cheerful. What the hell's wrong with you?
- Bender: Sorry I'm not your lover boy Flexo, whom you love so much. You love any one even pretending to be him!
- Angleyne: Maybe I love you so much I love you no matter who you are pretending to be.
- Bender: Oh how I wish I could believe or understand that!
- Donbot: That wad of scab money should be slushin' my funds and kickin' my back.
- Bender: You call yourself divorced?! You're making a mockery of one of our most honored institutions!
[edit] The Day the Earth Stood Stupid
- Nibblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in order to wipe out all thought in the universe.
- Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
- Pet Show Judge: And the grand prize winner: [speaks in monotone voice] The Hypnotoad.
- [The Hypnotoad is hypnotizing the judges and the audience]
- Pet Show Judge: All glory to the Hypnotoad!
- Big Brain: Foolish human race! Organizing your knowledge by category just made it easier to absorb. Dewey, you fool! Your decimal system has played right into my hands!
- Morbo: Morbo can't understand his teleprompter because he forgot how you say that letter that's shaped like a man wearing a hat.
- Linda: It's a 'T'. It goes 'tuh'.
- Morbo: Hello, little man. I will destroy you!
- Female Nibblonian: The Brain Spawn suppress intelligence by attacking the delta brain wave. Every animal and robot in the universe generates this wave, as do certain trees.
- Nibbler: Fry, however, does not.
- Female Nibblonian: Somehow he has cobbled together a random assortment of other brain waves into a working mind.
- Leela: Like a prom dress made from carpet remnants!
- Nibblonian: Yes, like your prom dress.
- Leela: You go fight biggest brain of all.
- Fry: Even bigger than those? Holy nuts! Where is it?
- Leela: I'ono.
- Fry: Hmm. A giant brain is basically a giant nerd. And where would a giant nerd be? [gasps] The libary!
- Fiona: Nibblonians to Nibble stations. Prepare Cuddlebug for deployment in 40 nibblets.
- Nibbler: Sometimes I fear we are cute.
- Fiona: Oh, nigglesnush.
- Fry: I'm here to kick your ass!
- Big Brain: Wishful thinking. We have long since evolved beyond the need for asses.
- Butler: Presenting the most eligible landowner in all Hertfordshire, Mr. Brainly.
- Big Brain: I'M A GIGANTIC BRAIN!
- Fry: [abouyt the Giant Brain Spawn] Now he's trapped in a book I wrote. A crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors.
- Big Brain: The Big Brain am winning again! I am the greetest! [laughs evilly] Now, I am leaving Earth, for no raisin!
[edit] That's Lobstertainment
- Humorbot 5.0: So I says, "Supercollider? I just met her." And then they built the supercollider.
- Calculon: I'm programmed to be very busy.
- Calculon: I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this!
- Bender: Calculon is gonna kill us and it's all everybody else's fault!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Well, editing is a long and expensive process, but we spent all the money on pies, so…it'll be ready Friday.
- Calculon: Nay, I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar.
[edit] The Cyber House Rules
- [Bender has just adopted some orphans.]
- Bender: Kids, meet uncle Fry!
- Fry: Hey, why are all those kids following you around? D'you have candy stuck to your ass?
- Fry: But you're better than normal: you're abnormal.
- Leela: Oh, Adlai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me feel so not weird.
- Adlai: Leela, you're nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine in a million.
- Leela: Now take me to the hospital and put my eye back the way it was! Right now!
- Adlai: Why should I do that?
- [Leela shoves Adlai against the wall and grabs his collar.]
- Leela: Listen, buddy. By the end of the day, one of us is gonna have one eye!
- Leela: What are their names?
- Bender: Kids have names?
- Orphan: My name is Nina, this is Albert-
- Bender: -And from now on you're all named Bender Jr.
- Orphan: Daddy Bender, we're hungry.
- Bender: What's with you kids? Every Other day it's food, food, food. [pause] Alright, I'll get you some stupid food.
- Orphan: Can we have Bender Burgers again?
- Bender: No. The cat shelter's on to me!
- Zoidberg: Be careful with that Adelai, Leela, he's a doctor. They're very poor.
- Leela: Actually, most doctors are rich.
- Zoidberg: What?! When did this happen? You're joking, right? [Grabs Leela and shakes her] That's not funny!!!
[edit] Where the Buggalo Roam
- Amy: Wait! I'm too rich to be kidnapped!
- Professor Farnsworth: This mission is incredibly dangerous. Someone's sure to be killed. Fry, Leela, Bender—
- Bender: Damn you, old man!
- Amy: My name's Amy Wong. And you are?
- Martian Chief: Mad at Wong family!
- Bender: Don't worry Kif, I'm sure you'll meet another beautiful rich girl that will fall in love with you. HA HA HA HA HA.
- Zapp Brannigan: How do we even know she's alive?
- Amy Wong: I'm fine.
- Zapp Brannigan: Shh! You're weakening our bargaining position!
- Martian Chief: Now we can buy land and act like it's sacred! With money like this, who's going to argue? No one, that's who!
[edit] Insane in the Mainframe
- [The Planet Express staff visit Fry and Bender in The Institute for Criminally Insane Robots.]
- Professor Farnsworth: Don't worry, Fry, I too once spent a nightmarish time in a robot asylum…but now it's nearly over.
- [Farnsworth leaves.]
- Leela: We're all trying to help you. We've petitioned the governor but he doesn't want to appear soft on people who've been falsely imprisoned.
- Fry: At least I have friends on the outside. Bender's been no help at all.
- Bender: Je suis Napoleon! No seriously, I'm not.
- Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.
- Bender: Ah, lighten up honey. I'm just trying to get through a difficult time using humor.
- Amy: Aww, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.
- Hermes: Fry! Don't be a hero! It's not covered by the health plan!
- Bender: Don't kill me yet! I'm starting to come down with Stockholm Syndrome…handsome.
- Fry: These robots don't believe that I'm human. How do I convince them?
- Bender: You can try dropping dead, that'll show them.
- Fry: I don't wanna!
- Fry: Fear not, for I shall assist ye!
- Hermes: Robots don't say "ye"!
- Fry: Relax, mammal! My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs. What is the meaning of this symbol?
- Hermes: That's a plus sign, you pointy-haired loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!
- Fry: I'll show ye!
[edit] The Route of All Evil
- Bender: I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.
- Cubert: Hey, Leela, help me apply these flame decals I got in my cereal. They'll make the ship go faster.
- Leela: And what's your scientific basis for thinking that?
- Cubert: I'm twelve.
- Leela: [Grabs Dwight and Cubert by the collars and lifts them up to her face] If you were my kids, you'd get quite a talking to…from your father…when he got home from the Senate.
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh, brother. What have they done now?
- Bender: Those pork dumplings sent us on a fake pizza delivery!
- Fry: The address was on Dogdoo 8, but the universe ends right after Dogdoo 7!
- Hermes: Child mon, is this true?
- Dwight: Yeah, but why are you mad at us? Your dummy brigade wasted a week on an obviously fake mission!
- Cubert: [pointing at Bender] Plus, they're making bootleg beer inside company property!
- Bender: Lies! Lies and slander!
- Professor Farnsworth: Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed? Now you've gone too far!
- Dwight: Can I use the gun?
- Hermes: What kind of a father would I be if I said no?
- Professor Farnsworth: Good thing I had this net installed for catching giraffes.
- Dwight: I heard alcohol makes you stupid.
- Fry: No I'm…doesn't.
- Leela: Actually, Dwight, you're right. Alcohol is very, very bad. For children. But once you turn twenty-one, it becomes very, very good! So scram!
[edit] Bendin' in the Wind
- Amy: Oh, no! My beautiful money!
- Dr. Zoidberg: It's toe-tappingly tragic!
- Bender: I was a hero to broken robots, because I was one of them! But how can I sing about being damaged if I'm not? That's like Christina Aguilera singing in Spanish. Wait, that's it - I'll fake it!
- Bender: So can I keep the money?
- Art Garfunkel's Descendant: Over my dead career.
- Hermes: Way to go Bender. You got mutilated and now you're going to be a Folk singer. Both our dreams came true!
- Beck: Now Bender, you can write songs about how you feel. Like when I wrote Devil's Haircut I was feeling - what's that song about?
- Bender: Yeah! But I won't use any fake words like "odelay!"
- Beck: "Odelay" is a word! Just look it up in the Becktionary.
[when Bender regains movement in his body, meaning he can no longer keep his carrer as a folk singer]
- Bender: Aww, crap! It's a miricle!
[edit] Time Keeps on Slippin'
- Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Don't be so hard on yourself, Fry. You lost the woman of your dreams, but you still have Zoidberg. You all still have Zoidberg!
- [A temporal distortion has caused Fry to lose the basketball game.]
- Leela: Now all the planets are going to start cracking wise about our mothers.
- Hermes Conrad: [tearfully] I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this.
- Professor Farnsworth: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes!
- Professor Farnsworth: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's court!
- [Farnsworth presses a button, revealing an arsenal of doomsday weapons.]
- Professor Farnsworth: I suppose I could part with one and still be feared…
- Bender: My life, and by extension everyone else's, is meaningless.
- Professor Farnsworth: By Tuesday it'll be Thursday. By Wednesday, it'll be August. And by Thursday, it'll be the end of existence as we know it!
- kid: Stupid old people! Why should we have to pay for their social security benifits?
[Time stream skip]
- kid:[now an old man] I DESERVE FREE MONEY!
[edit] I Dated a Robot
- Fry: For one brief moment, I felt the heartbeat of creation, and it was one with my own.
- Amy: Big deal.
- Bender: We all feel like that all the time.
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh dear! She's